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© 1997 Laurie Ashton

Forgiveness, like repentance, is an eternal principle. Like repentance, it is something we must do continually. It is a process, not a one time event. Like repentance, it usually doesn’t come easy, and we need to be taught how to do it. Forgiving someone may be a simple process, or it may take years. It is life changing, and it is necessary. We are told in many places in the scriptures that if we ourselves want to be forgiven of our sins, we must forgive others.

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. (Matthew 6:14-15)

Unless a person forgives his brother his trespasses with all his heart he is unfit to partake of the sacrament. (Miracle of Forgiveness, p 264)

Nowhere in the scriptures does it say we have to forgive, unless we’re not in the mood, or we’ve had a hard day, week, year, or life. We are commanded to forgive, even if the other person does not seek repentance, or if the other person continues to commit the same sin over and over. We are very simply commanded to forgive. No options. It is our obligation.

In “The Articles of Faith,” it states that

The sinner must be willing to forgive others, if he hopes to obtain forgiveness. A man's repentance is but superficial if his heart be not softened to the degree of tolerance for the weaknesses of his fellows. In teaching His hearers how to pray, the Savior instructed them to supplicate the Father: "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors." He gave them no assurance of forgiveness if in their hearts they forgave not one another . . . Forgiveness between man and man, to be acceptable before the Lord, must be unbounded. In answering Peter's question: "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him -- till seven times?" the Master replied: "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven"; clearly intending to teach that man must ever be ready to forgive. (The Articles of Faith, Ch.5, Pg.110 - Pg.111.)

To forgive means to let go of all anger, hatred, hurt feelings, resentments, and bitterness. It is to let go of all expectations of compensation, expectations of admission of guilt, or expectations of change in the other person. It is to say in your heart “It is over. It no longer affects my life.”

If I do not forgive, that means I am harboring anger, resentment, ill will, and bitterness, which impedes my emotional and spiritual progress. It results in a life greatly limited by these strong emotions.

Generally, the hated one does not even know how bitter is the animosity leveled against him. He may sleep at night and enjoy a reasonable peace, but the one who hates estranges himself from good folk, shrivels his heart, dwarfs his soul, makes of himself an unhappy pygmy. (Miracle of Forgiveness, p 272.)

Hannah and her roommates, Mary and Joan, lived together as they completed their university studies. One day, Hannah had noticed that some things of hers had gone missing. She briefly mentioned this to Mary, who said some of her things had gone missing as well. Both Hannah and Mary assumed Joan was stealing, and they confronted her with it. Joan denied it, and they were at an impasse. Friendships were strained, and finally the three split up on bad terms.

If Hannah had been able to forgive Joan when the stealing was initially happening, the friendships would not have been strained and the three of them would not have parted on bad terms. Hannah spent a lot of wasted time being angry at Joan when they could have been friends instead.

Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men. (DC 64:9-10.)

If I don’t forgive, I will not progress emotionally and spiritually, I will also be condemned, and I will be guilty of the greater sin. However, forgiving does not mean becoming a doormat and surrounding yourself with people that don’t treat you well or influence you away from following the Gospel. Forgiving someone does not take away our ability or right to protect ourselves or our loved ones.

In Gospel Doctrine page 337 it states:

I feel in my heart to forgive all men in the broad sense that God requires of me to forgive all men. . . But there are enemies to the work of the Lord, as there were enemies to the Son of God . . . There are those -- and they abound largely in our midst -- who will shut their eyes to every virtue and to every good thing connected with this latter-day work, and will pour out floods of falsehood and misrepresentation against the people of God. I forgive them for this. I leave them in the hands of the just Judge. Let Him deal with them as seemeth Him good, but they are not and cannot become my bosom companions. I cannot condescend to that. While I would not harm a hair of their heads . . . I would as soon think of taking a centipede or a scorpion, or any poisonous reptile, and putting it into my bosom, as I would think of becoming a companion or an associate of such men. (Gospel Doctrine, Pg.337 I Forgive All Men)

We see that forgiveness is essential, but saying the words doesn’t automatically make it happen. Forgiveness, just like repentance, is a process, and like repentance, it can be a long and painful and arduous one.

There are steps in forgiveness just like there are in repentance. In repentance, I can summarize the steps required into these:

1. Recognition. Acknowledge what you did wrong.
2. Remorse. Feel regret for what you did.
3. Recompense. Do what you can to make up for what you did. Try to make things as they were before, if possible.
4. Change yourself. Take the necessary steps to ensure you won’t make the mistake again.

Ask forgiveness - from your Heavenly Father and from the people affected by your actions, where possible.

Similarly, there are steps to forgiveness. They can be summarized as follows.

1. Recognize what was done to you. Understand how it affects you, emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.
2. Deal with the effects - the hurt, anger, resentment, and any and all other effects. Work through them and past them until they are no longer a part of your life.
3. Let go. Stop looking for anything from the person who wronged you.

I have simplified the process, and the process may be this simple most of the time, but depending on the type and extent of the injury committed, the process can be more complicated and difficult. This can take a long time, even decades. Be understanding with yourself as you move through the steps. It can take a long time, and that is fine as long as you are progressing through the process of forgiveness.

Susan had been abused by her step father as a child, and like a lot of children who have been abused, she blocked it all out. When she became an adult and moved away from home, she started having nightmares and flashbacks, and she started experiencing a lot of anger. She entered therapy and over time discovered what had happened to her. A well meaning friend of hers said, “Oh, just forgive him already, and it’ll all be over.”

Her friend was wrong. If Susan had tried to forgive her step father at this point, it would have invalidated all her emotions and experiences. She would have felt even worse about herself. Susan’s path through forgiveness started with remembering what had happened to her as a child. Without knowing why she was angry, forgiveness would have been pointless. She had to remember first what had happened to her, then she had to deal with her emotions, work through the nightmares, flashbacks, the hurt and angry feelings. She had to work past all of it until she was no longer affected by what this man had done to her. It took years, but finally she was ready to forgive.

As we talk about forgiveness and forgiving others, we are not yet done. We must also forgive ourselves, and this can be the hardest part of all, as most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others.

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. (John 13:34.)

Part of loving others and ourselves is forgiving. How many times have we said to ourselves “How could I be so stupid!” or “But I know better!” or “I can’t believe I did that!” Sometimes we berate ourselves for things said or done years ago. Sometimes we feel bad for things we had no control over. We somehow think that we should have done things differently just because.

Reality is that we all, without exception, make mistakes. Some of those mistakes are stupid, some are serious, some we just didn’t know any better and could not have done things any differently at the time. Reality is also that we can be forgiven for our mistakes, should we repent. But sometimes, even after our Heavenly Father has long ago forgiven us, we still have not forgiven ourselves. If we remain in a state where we do not forgive ourselves, we are damning ourselves - we are preventing our own progression. We are harboring feelings of hate, anger, resentment towards ourselves, and this is not healthy.

And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32.)

As in the earlier example of Susan, even though she had done nothing wrong in being abused, she still had to forgive herself, too. She felt guilty for what happened, and felt that somehow she could have prevented it. She had to forgive herself for being a helpless child, for not being able to change anything. She also had to forgive herself for making mistakes when she was blinded by the effects of the abuse. By forgiving herself, she was freeing herself to experience joy and happiness.

In order for us to be happy, to have joy, to progress, we must forgive ourselves, too. When our Heavenly Father forgives us, he remembers it no more. Our sin is blotted out, as if it had never happened. We need to do the same.

Forgive one another, and never from this time forth bear malice toward another fellow creature. I do not care whether he is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or not, whether he is a friend or a foe, whether he is good or bad. It is extremely hurtful for any man holding the Priesthood, and enjoying the gift of the Holy Ghost, to harbor a spirit of envy, or malice, or retaliation, or intolerance toward or against his fellowmen. We ought to say in our hearts, let God judge between me and thee, but as for me, I will forgive. I want to say to you that Latter-day Saints who harbor a feeling of unforgiveness in their souls are more guilty and more censurable than the one who has sinned against them. Go home and dismiss envy and hatred from your hearts; dismiss the feeling of unforgiveness; and cultivate in your souls that spirit of Christ which cried out upon the cross, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." This is the spirit that Latter-day Saints ought to possess all the day long. The man who has that spirit in his heart and keeps it there will never have any trouble with his neighbor; he will never have any difficulties to bring before the bishop, nor high council; but he will always be at peace with himself, at peace with his neighbors, and at peace with God. It is a good thing to be at peace with God. (Oct. C. R., 1902, pp. 86, 87. Gospel Doctrine, Pg.255 Do Not Bear Malice Against One Another.)

Forgiving others or ourselves is not easy, but it is something that we must learn how to do. Our happiness, joy, and our ability to progress in this life and the next depends on it.

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